Trying to Raise a Teenaged Boy
From its comments I got the impression that a full appreciation of the humor behind my last post may have required some experience in raising a teenager. Raising a teenager is a significant challenge that cannot be captured in words with any precision. Raising boys, at least to me, captures the true meaning of mayhem.
My wife and I are raising our third teenaged boy (Son#3), now 14. Our other boys are in their twenties. One would think that by now we would be well rehearsed in the art of raising boys. Actually, our boys have three very different personalities, and raising them has had unique challenges.
For example, the first two boys during their teen years were exposed to videogames, but the games were about Mario the plumber and Donkey Kong the gorilla. Now days, it seems like most video games involve some form of maiming, murder, or violent mayhem. Now days, no teen with an access to a computer can completely avoid such violence.
Then came the internet. My 14-year old boy has never known life without the internet. Boys will be boys, and therefore our internet at home is filtered. Enough said.
When I grew up I loved surrounding myself with books. My boys love books, but they mostly surround themselves with computers. I wonder sometimes if books (the hefty kind) are becoming an endangered species in our technological culture.
Son#3 is full of contradictions that I cannot quite figure out. He is a fantastic individual, but sometimes one must be a mind reader to understand him. Here is a typical conversation:
[Scene: Dad encounters Son#3 at dinnertime.]
Dad: Hey, how was school?
Son#3: Dud.
Dad: What does "dud" mean?
Son#3: Nothing.
Dad: Well, how was Seminary?
Son#3: Great.
Dad: What did you learn?
Son#3: Nothing.
It is a good thing that I am skilled at mind reading, because the meaning of teenaged life is mostly expressed in the non-verbal realm. The modern-day exception might be "texting," but "Dad" is NOT in Son#3's contact pool.
Occasionally, we might get him to talk and even admit some interest in a girl. So, the other day at Church I was a bit miffed when I saw him pass a girl (of similar age) in the hallway and not even so much as acknowledge her existence.
I told him, "Son, get with the program. Girls are human beings. Say hello to her with a smile."
He said, "No, Dad. That would tell her I like her."
"Well, you smile and say hello to guys," I retorted.
"That's different. Guys can be friends," he reasoned.
It takes a while for boys to learn how to make friends with girls. Then, when they do, the problem reverses. That is, how do you (the parent) keep them apart?
When Son#3 said to me, "Girls are good for dancing," I retorted with, "Girls are good for MUCH MORE than just dancing." I was trying to teach that girls are NOT mere objects, but they are valuable human beings.
His answer revealed that he got an alternate meaning. With an embarrassed look, he replied, "Dad, I have no idea what you are talking about." In other words, he had an idea, and this is why our internet is filtered.
You see, raising a teen is a phenomenon that goes FAR beyond the verbal dimensions of life.
A Sunday school class invited me to write a tribute to Son#3 that would be read in class to his peers. Evidently, it is a practice that each teenager in the class gets such a tribute from a parent. This is what I wrote (substituting Son#3 for his real name):
Son#3 is one of the most extraordinary persons I know, and maybe he is the coolest.
There has never been a problem that Son#3 could not overcome. He started when he was a baby and has continued until now.
Son#3 is always concerned for others, and if something does not go right, then he always lets you know. Son#3 speaks his mind [when he is motivated].
Son#3 helps out with the dishes, taking out the garbage, he vacuums, but he mostly plays video games. He's good at all of them.
Lots of times when I open Son#3's bedroom door he is reading his scriptures. Son#3 is a reader and a thinker.
Son#3 loves Seminary.
But, one of the coolest things Son#3 does is Show Choir. He is one of the best singers and dancers in the group.
It has been a privilege to be one of Son#3's parents.
Love,
Dad
Sorry, this is the best that I can do to capture the experience of raising a teen. There have been few other forms of education that have had more impact on my life. What's the challenge of raising a teen? Well, name a greater challenge. I can't.
Copyright 2008 S.Faux (Email: foxgoku54 [at] gmail [d0t] c0m; URL: http://mormoninsights.blogspot.com). Readers may distribute this post for noncommercial purposes provided such distributing is of the entire post, including author's copyright and contact information. All other rights reserved.
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6 comments:
Some of the lessons I learned raising five teens (for a period of 3-1/2 months I had four teens at once in my house):
1) The teen years apparently start at age 12. My daughter made this argument based on the fact that the thirteenth year of life starts at the twelfth birthday, so "technically" one is a teen at age twelve, suffix "-teen" notwithstanding.
2) The word "technically" is one of a teen's favorite words and usually is a warning sign.
3) Different parenting skills are required for teens than for younger children. Being a good parent to toddlers does NOT mean you will be a good parent to teens.
4) It is easier to loosen the reins than to tighten them.
5) As a parent, you will make mistakes -- many of them -- attempting to raise teens.
6) You will master parenting skills at approximately the same time that your youngest child leaves home.
7) A good definition of life is "the process of exchanging time for memories." This is important to keep in mind when raising teens.
Dee:
Your observations are all excellent, and are consistent with my own experience.
Ooooo.....man, being a Parent sounds scary. How do you know when you're ready to become a dad?
Son #3-a-babe, reads his scriptures on his own? Hehehe....I didn't start till I was 25!....lol
Son #1
Son#1:
You asked: How do you know when you are ready to be a Dad?
The answer is clear. One is NEVER ready to be a parent. You just have to dive in and start being one. There is NO greater challenge, and there is NO greater reward. I think the vast majority of parents would agree with me.
I can appreciate your point about mayhem. Like porn, violence in the gaming world is a major distraction to raising children sensitive to the spirit. I think it's great that son #3 likes seminary and choir. And your encouragement to get him to at least smile and say hello to girls is something he will come to appreciate as time goes by.
Did you get any feedback on your tribute to son #3? And yes, this parent agrees with you. There is no greater challenge and no greater reward than being a parent. The good news is that you don't stop being a parent when the children leave home. In fact, the appreciation for each other becomes greater as they grow older and wiser...away from your immediate influence in the home.
Tim:
Yes, the feedback I got on the tribute from Son#3 was significant appreciation. As a parent, I probably should write more tributes to each of my boys. But, this blog (which I hope stays posted for decades and decades) is my main written heritage to my children.
And, yes, you are correct about how being a parent never stops. It never stops for eternity, come to think of it.
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