Conversion of a Latter-day Soldier
Son #1 leaving for the Middle East in 2007Preface: This is a conversion story. My wife and I raised our children to be active Latter-day Saints. Despite our best efforts, our oldest boy at age 16 dropped out of activity in the Church. Knowing that he would benefit from structure and discipline, I consented to sign him into the National Guard at age 17. Ten years later he is still active as a soldier. The good news is that he is now active as a Latter-day Saint too, and he was married in the Nauvoo temple to a wonderful girl, a returned missionary.
I will be posting his conversion story in several parts over the next few days. The following is my oldest son's story in his own words (with some minor editing on my part).
-- S.Faux
*****Originally Dated: June 6, 2007 – 63rdAnniversary of D-Day
Author: A. Faux (Son #1 of S.Faux) – posted by permission.
Introduction: This blog is long, and I have highlighted and separated this blog into "chapters" of sorts. So, you can come back and read this blog anytime. You do not have to complete it all in one sitting. I do hope you finish this blog; it is very detailed, and describes a soldier's preparation, faith and trials for entering Combat Operations.
CHAPTER 1
Anticipated Lethargic Dread:
Two Months with My Emotional RollercoasterAs I am writing this section [in 2007], I'm a little over 2 weeks away from my first deployment to Iraq. Our mission is security, also known as kick in doors to see if we get shot at, and convoy security. We are basically meat shields and bullet magnets.
Hmmmm……I'm writing this for you the reader, as much as I'm writing this for myself. I want to express what I feel, but also why I'm grateful.
I've been feeling very strange and having a bundle of varied emotions the last two months. I've been struggling to properly convey these emotions in words so that others may understand. I think I've come up with about the closest description possible: Anticipated Lethargic Dread.
I'm looking forward to going; I have a purpose. The Lord has guided me and prepared me for this very moment. (I'll go into that more later). With all my heart, I'll go anywhere the Lord needs me, even into combat. That is why I look with eagerness and anticipation to the work the Lord has for me.
I have no choice in this matter; I'm going even if I don't want to. I've become slightly lethargic at times, realizing I have no choice. This lethargic attitude has kept me from seeking to fulfill more in my life at this time. It has become difficult for me to focus on the things that matter most to me. I am an extremely motivated and focused person, and I'm completely out of my game. I've become unfocused, and I fear I am becoming selfish. I was once extremely selfish in all actions, which brought about empty hollow emotions in my life. I've overcome my once selfish being, and the fact that I see myself slipping into my old personality….brings those empty, hallow, emotions back to the surface. It hurts…
I am dreadful not for combat, but because my life is on hold. I feel a deep desire to become a husband and father, but these things are out of my control. I've started dating more seriously, not with any one woman, but I feel a need to date with intent. When I get back from Iraq, I won't be too far from 30… I want to be an active father to my children, not an old fogy.
This strange mixture of emotions has left me mentally weak. I'm doing my best to fight off these depressing emotions though. Maybe I'm coming off as a weakling writing this, but I think I need to write and share this. I think I need a friend to understand, and help carry this burden. But at the same time, I don't want to place this burden on my loved ones (family, friends, Church).
I know the Lord loves me, and won't ask anything of me that I can't handle. I know I need to yoke myself with the Lord, and he will help carry this burden. I know I will only get through this with his help. I also know that my old ways, which I've been slipping into, offends Him. Habits that I broke over a year ago are now plaguing my mind and affecting my actions.
I'm fighting, fighting, and fighting these temptations Satan is throwing at me. It's interesting that for the first time, since gaining my testimony, I've begun to slip, only while I'm down. Satan truly cares not for us, and is so quick to kick us while were down. I must repent for every offense I've made. I love our Heavenly Father, and I know he will help me.
I cannot help but marvel at how perfect our Heavenly Father is. I have received strong witness that I am to be a missionary to my fellow soldiers in Iraq. The Lord has prepared me for this purpose in such awesome, inspiring, expression of His power, guidance and love. Everything just happened to work out perfectly.
CHAPTER 2
My Metamorphosis:
To Rise, One Must Fall. To Know The Good,
One Must Know The Bad. In order to appreciate the awesome set of coincidences that Heavenly Father has brought me through to prepare me for this calling, you must understand who I once was.
I hated God, Jesus Christ, Christianity and all religions, passionately. Hate is the kindest word I could use, to express my absolute disgust. Every fiber of my being was consumed with my hatred for Christ. It guided my daily affairs, who I was, how I acted, my recreation, my thoughts, and my spirit.
I was truly led by the adversary, and I embraced it. I didn't just go about my life in defiance of church because I didn't know better, or didn't see a use for such guidance. I willingly rebelled against our Heavenly Father. My spirit was brimming with hatred, a deeply profound hatred for God. I use to say, "He is the one that killed his own Son, and we are the ones he's blaming it on". I was about as close to a Satanist as one gets, with out actually worshiping Lucifer.
My thoughts concluded that people attended church, because they were scared of dying. People were afraid of facing the truth, which is we are just meat. We live and then we die. That's it. Having beliefs meant having a safety net to provide comfort. Science is the only truth of how our world works, not some made-up safety net called the Bible, called God, or called Christianity.
At the age of 16 while at church, I was completely sick of church and not "facing the truth." I denounced God, and made all religions objects of hate. I knew as soon as I accepted my truth, I would be able to live my life, the way I wanted to. So, I denounced God.
I didn't just turn my back to God, by saying, "I'm done." It wasn't that easy. Despite all the hate and determination in my heart to turn away, at that moment it was as if another conscience was within me, asking if I truly wanted the spirit to leave me. It wasn't my conscience, because my conscience was already at peace with my decision to leave God. So I told that other conscience, "Yes", but it would ask again, "Do you truly want the spirit to leave you?" to which I would reply, "Yes". Soon it became a struggle within me, a true and very real struggle, of something I never felt before. So when I was asked again, "Do you truly want the spirit to leave you?" I reached into the depths of my heart, and I said with fullness of determination, and personal strength to this second conscience, "YES!" I felt an emptiness within me so powerful, I knew at that moment, without a doubt that that second conscience within me was indeed the spirit. And, this new emptiness that I felt was indeed the space that the spirit dwelled. This emptiness was real, and in the back of my mind, I doubted my decision. But I was too prideful in myself and in the "truth" I had made-up, in my victory over "God", to be sorry.
This emptiness stayed with me, for I had truly denounced that which I hated. As years passed, I could finally live my so-called freedom! I could do what I wanted, without conscience of what other religious members thought of me. I knew the difference between right and wrong, and I choose to do what I knew was right. This was my life philosophy, and I was proud of what I created.
So, I took arms against religion, and thoroughly enjoyed the defiance of religion. Knowing the difference between right and wrong, I knew it would be wrong of me to try and enforce my views on others, such as religion has forced its beliefs. So instead I basked in the glory of religious defiance, most specifically the defiance of Christianity, the most forced of belief systems in my life.
I sought out the distractions of the spirit -- distractions that could focus my mind on my defiance and my liberation. I sought the most brutal of all music, music which was the most defiant, and the closest to my beliefs. Music that helped focus my mind and heart against religion. My heart was completely hardened, and I found strength, focus and power through my own determination. Through this hardening of my heart, I found it easy to do what I wanted, and to hold in pride my life philosophy. And although I didn't believe in God or Satan, and was quick to turn away from past memories of the spirit, I aligned myself behind Satan in defiance, in what I thought he stood for: complete freedom and individuality. I now know the truth.
The happiness obtained from denying our Heavenly Father was short lived. I had an emotionless heart, which felt powerful when I accomplished so much without him. I boasted myself up, and stuck out my neck in pride. I would say, "We all know the difference between right and wrong. It's just a matter if we choose to do the right". Because I would do right things, without religion telling me what's right, I felt like I was an example to others, "You don't need someone to tell you to do right". I felt my character was more honorable, because I came to this realization on my own. I came to believe God is not necessary in our lives, and is not relevant. Any happiness I felt was at surface levels only.
Then, as more years passed, I would get bored, and my boredom would depress me. So, I would find something to take my mind off it. I would go to the movies, play video games, party, drink, listen to music and do whatever I wanted. Rebuilding my happiness, not realizing though, it was only building joy at superficial levels only.
CHAPTER 3
Lost In The Fog:
Praying With Real Intent,
and a Sincere Heart Then something terrible happened in my life, which would eventually show me the path to the truth of this world: my grandfather died. I just moved to [a big city far from Chicago], and still had to rely on MapQuest to find anything. So I was desperately looking for a ride to the airport. But with my flight at 6:15a.m., and needing to get there around 4:30a.m., no one would take me.
So, without a ride to the airport, I naturally had to drive myself. Having never driven there before I stopped at a gas station for directions. Thankfully the employee lived near the airport, and gave me a short cut. I thought it would be a really easy drive, because I knew there would be airport signs everywhere.
So, taking his advice, I was able to dodge traffic. But, as morning crept, the weather worsened and a thick fog engulfed the city. Visibility was absent completely, and I declared this fog the worse I've ever seen. As road signs past, I was aware of their presence. The fog was so terrible I couldn't even see a road sign in front of me. Even the road lights were extremely hard to see, and I was running red lights, because I couldn't even tell there was a street light in front of me.
My plan to follow the signs to the airport was no longer an option. My plan to follow the directions the gas attendant told me was no longer an option. I was getting so completely lost, I couldn't even tell what direction I was headed. My frustration was building, and time was of the essence, to which I had little of. So much time was passing by, I knew there was no way I was going to make my plane, and I knew I was going to miss my grandfather's funeral. I was so angry, I was about to literally start throwing things. I was literally thinking of just going back home, and accepting the fact I was going to miss my grandfather's funeral. I was at the height of anger, a literal beast chained and imprisoned by my hatred. I was willing to destroy anything and everything. I was so desperate; I had no idea what to do. So I did something, in a way like I have never done before, I prayed with seriousness of heart, showing real intent, honestly seeking guidance.
I prayed, asking not to miss my grandpa's funeral. I followed my instincts, and turned on a street that I thought was to the airport. The street turned into a ramp for the freeway, and at this point I had lost all hope. But something told me, "Follow the car in front of you."
I honestly thought I would have to call my Mom and Dad and tell them I missed my flight. I was totally prepared to start throwing things when I got home, to relieve my rage. I was sinking into a large hole of anxiety. But then the thick fog revealed a sign for airport parking! The road I was on the entire time was the correct road. I was amazed -- completely, utterly astonished! This fog was so thick, that I couldn't see one light from the airport and it's runway lights. And at 5:30 a.m. runway lights are as bright as bright gets.
Still following the car lights in front of me, the car just happened to be going to the parking lot I needed. Out of the entire airport parking lot the car led me to a parking spot, right in front of an elevator! I got out of the car and into the elevator, but still had no idea where the ticket check-in was. I still needed to get my e-ticket from the front counter.
I was prepared to sprint through the airport as soon as the elevator doors opened. To my astonishment, I just happened to be on the elevator closest to my ticket counter. The line was very short, maybe two people in front of me. When a ticket counter opened, I approached and said, "My name is ... Faux, and I have a flight to Chicago Midway at 6:15 a.m."
The ticket agent said, "Ooooo……there is a chance I might not be able to pull up your ticket. All of our e-tickets have to be accounted for 45 minutes before the flight. Otherwise the computer automatically reroutes the ticket to another flight, at the 45-minute mark. But I'll give it a shot." But before I could even look at a clock, my ticket was printing and she said, "That's strange, O well you're a lucky man."
She gave me my ticket and pointed me on my way. As I looked for a clock, her words stuck with me. "You're a lucky man." The clock read 5:40 a.m., thirty-five minutes until my flight, ten minutes after the computer was suppose to automatically change my ticket to another flight. I stepped on an escalator, and took my first sigh of relief since I awoke that morning. I looked down at my feet and said, "You're a lucky man".
Never before had I truly believed in God, nor was I sure now. But something told me; luck had nothing to do with it. I was astonished, and no matter how I tried to reason with my "truth" I could not deny this strange set of coincidences. But even with this quite obvious answer to my prayer, I didn't believe in God, nor did I want to go to church to learn more.
So I went about my life, as I had. Doing whatever, then one day came along, and I got bored again. So I started mentally shifting through all the things I could do. I was thinking about buying a bunch of beer, and drinking. But that's when it hit me: "That's what I did yesterday." All I was doing was shifting through things that gave me temporary enjoyment. I would get bored again, depressed again, after doing these same repetitive things I needed something more: something that would give me true enjoyment, down to my core, so I wouldn't get bored anymore.
That's when I first truly knew the difference between temporary joy, and a joy that is everlasting. Before I truly knew, if one was to ask me, "Do you truly know the difference between everlasting joy and temporary joy?" I would say, "Yes." It sounds so clear, and the answer seems so obvious that I would have said, "Anyone can figure that out." But I now know, that answer isn't so obvious, nor is it so easy to convey in words. But if you the reader still get bored and feel depressed from such, then you truly don't know the difference yet.
Now knowing I must change and find a path to an everlasting joy, I did what most people do, and I started looking for a serious relationship and career goals. I created a career path, which involved becoming a Green Beret. Most Green Beret's don't have good family life, and are divorced. So I found myself asking, "If I do this, can I have a family?" Having a family was important to me, and so I found myself faced with a serious question. I was having trouble finding an answer, and so I started seeking out alternative sources: Church.
In my church there is something called a Patriarchal Blessing, which is a list of personal covenant promises that will happen in this life or the next, between a person and Heavenly Father. Each Patriarchal Blessing is for the individual and completely different from any other person's that ever existed. I was curious what mine would say regarding my family lifestyle. Even though I didn't believe in the Church, I was curious as to what mine would say, and I wanted something a little more creditable then a fortune telling. So, I ran into some missionaries downtown Denver, and said I wanted my Patriarchal Blessing.
A few weeks later some missionaries came by my house, and they asked me if I really knew what a Patriarchal Blessing was? I told them I was a member but I didn't know anything about it really. They asked if they could teach me some things to help me understand the blessing, so I could get the most out of it. I was skeptical, but what they said was true. I didn't know that much about it, and I wouldn't get much out of it. So I said, yes.
CONTINUE to PART #2...*****Copyright 2008 S.Faux (Email: foxgoku54 [at] gmail [d0t] c0m; URL: http://mormoninsights.blogspot.com). Readers may distribute this post for noncommercial purposes provided such distributing is of the entire post, including author's copyright and contact information. All other rights reserved.

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